This morning, as usual, I had my cup of coffee and started reading the press and one of my favorites, the real newspaper must-read is Beppe Severgnini's Italians. Today's article is titled The perfect guide to the trash bin. I'll quickly translate it here.
Safe driving to the trash bin. Or: how to write a kamikaze email, doomed to crash into the "Deleted Items". Few lines are sufficient, containing the right terms, to guarantee null attention and, with some effort, even a certain resentment on the unaware addressee. Some examples, taken from the first lines of unsolicited emails, received in a few hours. The final number (in brackets) indicates the time spent in my inbox.
"In Rome May 14th the guru of marketing..." (3") In Rome in May it seems that everything happens (as in Milan in October), and this is a handicap for the (reckless) sender. The words "guru" and "marketing", together, work as a shot gun in a herd of cats: all on the run!
"Dear Journalist, enclosed the press release in question that I hope will be of interest to Your newspaper. Do not hesitate to contact me for more information" (7"). None of my coworkers, to my knowledge, has never contacted the author of such press releases. Indeed, no: I believe it happened, on March 30 2007, but the news was never confirmed.
"Dearest, I am happy to announce an appointment within the cycle of meetings..." (2")
"Dearest" is written in blue, "etc. I am happy..." in black: the apparent copy-and-paste increases mistrust, made high by the "cycle of meetings" (a circular formation that Alighieri thought to include in his Inferno).
"Invitation - Only for extraordinary creatures - an unmissable event - An opportunity to celebrate the prestigious..." (4")
"Unmissable", "prestigious" and "extraordinary" are three spy adjectives: when you read them, red alert! They replaced "exclusive" and "VIP", in vogue during the nineties and now confined in the provincial clubs and resorts.
"Dear friends, I must inform you that applications are open for..." (1")
Applications will be opened at the speed with which you close certain emails: it's an ongoing challenge. I must tell you that this was an interesting case: it was, in fact, a dance course ("The best student will be invited to exhibit in Bulgaria!").
''LET'S BUILD THE TURNING POINT - Dear Doctors, attached to the present we send you the number of May 2009'' (8 ", the surprise has caused me to reread).
''LET'S BUILD THE TURNING POINT'': just the private motorway companies are authorized to use such a language. Then: please avoid Capitals, FOR GOD'S SAKE! At last: how do they know that we're all ''Doctors''? And those who, with effort, have succeeded in not being it?